Dear John,
What happens when you do something that you can’t get forgiveness for? My husband committed suicide two years, three months and four days ago. He needed me, and I wasn’t there for him. I pushed him away — and he couldn’t hold on. I left him at the precise moment he needed me the most.
He is gone, forever gone. I’ll never see him; we’ll never speak; I can never say I’m sorry. He can never forgive me. I will live with it forever.
I asked God to forgive me, so I guess he did, right? Great. Honestly. But in this lifetime I don’t imagine I’ll ever feel any better for knowing that. I can’t go back and change things. I did not do everything I could have done. I am guilty; trust me on this one. I can’t forgive myself, so how do I ever stop suffering?
Please listen to me on this. Your husband’s suicide was not your fault — at all, in any way, ever. His taking of his own life is absolutely not your burden to bear.
That you feel otherwise is entirely natural and tragically inevitable. When a person commits suicide, they automatically sentence those they’ve left behind to a lifetime of suffering from the guilt of thinking that they could have done something, anything, to prevent it.
When the truth is there was never anything anyone could have done to prevent an adult from killing themselves. (I stress “an adult” because young people are influenced by others to a degree that typically adults are not.)
What causes a person to commit suicide has nothing to do with the world outside of themselves. Every day countless people find themselves feeling severely depressed or emotionally desperate and yet do not even think of killing themselves. The only adults who ever commit suicide are those infected with the very specific condition of being suicidal. Your husband had that unrelenting sickness within him. It’s not your fault that you don’t possess the cure for it. No one does.
You could no sooner have stopped your husband from doing what his illness ultimately drove him to do than you can stop the sun from setting. No matter how kind and loving you had been to him on that terrible day, he would have done what he did — on that day, or on a day soon after. The only chance he had of stopping himself from taking his own life was to seek the kind of psychological counseling which you must now seek for yourself. (He might have also, and even greatly, benefited from pharmaceutical therapy.) And do, please, seek that counseling. You need that assistance to help lift from your shoulders that crippling burden of guilt, which, again, and despite how I know it seems to you now, isn’t yours to be carrying at all.
You mentioned turning to God as a source of relief and solace. Please don’t let today’s commonplace deprecation of religion in any way dissuade you from fully availing yourself of what I’ll here call The Universal Good, however you might conceive of that infinite power. If you have a system of faith which has ever in the past served you well — one which you know to have at its core a truth which, as they say, surpasses all understanding — then now is the time for you to delve into that faith.
Faith isn’t for the good times; no one cries out for the succor of God when everything’s already going their way. It’s when this world has collapsed down upon us that we need something beyond this world. If you have a faith system which can connect you with the The Big Power Beyond, take a moment or two to situate yourself at the very wellspring of that system’s spiritual essence — and then stay there. Be still there. Let that healing force talk to you, soothe you, nurture you, heal you.
Also, open your heart to the spirit and soul of your husband. In meditation or in prayer, call to him, find him, commune with him. When your consciousness is again with his, tell him how crushingly sorry you are that you didn’t save him. Tell him how it pains you every single day to think of him suffering as he must have been. Tell him how joyful you are that he suffers no more. Tell him how much you love him, and miss him, and cannot wait to be with him again.
Ask him to forgive you for not doing more to help him. I don’t know a lot about a lot, but I’m sure of one thing: He will. Because he knows that what he did to himself was never your fault. And I promise you that he wants you to know that every bit as desperately as you want to know it yourself.
"It’s not easy to tell a story that is filled with hilarious humor, the pangs of love lost, excruciatingly sad family life and deep, deep inner circumspection that ultimately uplifts your soul, but John has done just that. I highly recommend you read this book; you will thank me later." — Jon Mayes, Advance Reading Copy
"Deeply engrossing . . . a highly satisfying reading experience . . . Shore's writing is so stylistically on target that the language itself falls away, allowing the reader to enter into the subtleties of the story completely. . . . Shore’s protagonist is authentically funny and rawly sympathetic . . . This novel stands apart for its originality. It is a testament to the notion that the strongest works are often those with simple storylines, exceptionally told. 10 out of 10." — Publisher's Weekly BookLife Prize 2019
"A powerfully compelling introspective look at life. . . This is a harrowing and fascinating novel." — Readers' Favorite
As someone who has struggled with suicidal tendencies since I was a child, I can assure you that your husband’s suicide was not your fault. Our suicidal thoughts are part of our mental illness, and you didn’t cause that anymore than you would cause someone’s cancer.
I know this is an incredibly difficult situation for you and you need to give yourself grace as you face each day. Your love for your husband probably kept him alive for longer than you might ever know this side of Heaven.
L.W. – Your story is heart-wrenching, as are all stories of suicide. I hope that you have found in these many responses a commonality that exists in all who suffer, and know that you are not alone.
It is difficult for one to find freedom from what Paul Tournier describes as “The Violence Within”, but it can be done. His prescription for relief was a combination of psychiatric counseling, practice of faith, and any form of medical therapy available. It is true that if the only light that is in you is darkness, how great is that darkness! But, light shines through even the smallest of cracks. And it is an inside job, meaning that even with the efforts of outside counseling, religion, and medicine, each person is responsible for the trajectory of their life.
In an introduction to one of her books, Marianne Williamson proposed closing one’s eyes and imagine being in God’s presence represented as a room of light. At that moment, I did that.
I was a dark spot in that room of light.
The source of the light said to me, “You have to imagine yourself as light too.” I did that, but it was very uncomfortable. You see, I was not accustomed to seeing myself as anything other than the darkness I felt within due to my life experiences and my particular psychological make up. But I kept at it, and in about a year’s time I was no longer uncomfortable with seeing myself in a good light. I still have remnants of that darkness from time-to-time, but I have found that guilt is a cloak left abandoned.
I do not know how light came through for me, whether it was from God, or some deep part of myself that wanted to live free from suffering. But I do know that guilt cannot turn darkness into light, and that your freedom will depend on forgiving yourself.
As was said above, it will take time, but eventually you will be able to remember the man without recalling the way in which he died. I pray for you to find a strength you never knew you had, and love deeper than you’ve known. It is there, within you.
My heart breaks for all who have lost a loved one here. I have no new or original words of comfort. But know you are heard, acknowledged, prayed for, and loved. I hope you find peace that passes all understanding.
I suffer from a multitude of mental illness and have lived with suicidal thoughts my entire life. I haven’t self-harmed in a very, very long time, but the thoughts still creep up now and then, “The world would be better off without me in it.” Because of the way I was raised and the life I lived for a very long time, every mistake I made, every time I misspoke, hurt someone’s feelings unintentionally, made someone angry unintentionally, I would think, “I hope I don’t wake up in the morning, I’m too much of a burden, no one should have to live with someone like me.” That life I lived for a very long time? It was a life filled with abusers and abuse. I was abused as a child and that was all I knew, so I ended up spending my adult life (over 20 years) in 3 separate abusive relationships. I just couldn’t seem to get it right, you know? And I genuinely believed I deserved the abuse because that was all I’d ever known.
As a person with suicidal thoughts, and speaking only for myself and my own conditions, I would just like to say that suicide is NOT inevitable in suicidal people, adults or otherwise. I made my first attempt by the time I was 13.
Now, with the current state of things, my bipolar disorder is particularly agitated. I have been rapid cycling between mania and manic depression since the pandemic and the stay-at-home orders started. But I haven’t had any suicidal thoughts, which is really promising.
A couple of years ago, I sent my final abuser to jail and then did everything I could to get him deported (he was an immigrant from England who used me for a green card). Doing that, taking my power back, being the one in control, had an amazing effect on me. The suicidal thoughts didn’t go away completely. I lived with grief and guilt, blamed myself for his abuse of me, blamed myself for him ending up in jail, even maintained daily contact (at much cost to me) the entire time he was in jail (3 months) and then, through video chat, once he was back in his country. It took me another 9 months after the events that sent him to jail to finally allow myself to break free.
I think that we, as humans, tend to believe there is so much more we could have done to prevent some devastating event from occurring. The truth is, we have little to no actual power over the decisions of another. You cannot reason with a genuinely suicidal person. You can not love them more or give them more or tell them just the right words that will change their mind. Mental illness is very real and very powerful and, often, it involves some very deep-seated ideas that cannot be re-programmed by a lay person. You can’t love depression away, or reason mania from someone’s mind. For me personally, and I think for many with bipolar disorder, mania takes away your reasoning abilities. Whatever twisted things might run through your mind become instant truth, and there’s no talking that mind down or out of the dark place. All I can do when mania hits is roll with it and hope I survive it. I make everyone who knows me aware of my illnesses because, if something happens to me, I want them to understand that they are not at fault, that there was nothing they could have done. I know that wouldn’t stop the guilt feelings, but it’s the only way I know how to handle it.
Some people absolutely cannot be “saved.” Some can. But it is never, ever another person’s responsibility to do the saving, and it is never, ever another person’s fault when someone dies by suicide. I try to remind people that some mental illnesses are terminal. People don’t “commit” suicide, they die of suicide, just like people don’t commit cancer – they just sometimes die OF it.
I wish this woman, and all of those in the comments, peace and acceptance and self-forgiveness. If you’ve lost someone to suicide, no matter how hard it is, try to remind yourself as often as possible that you are only human and not Superman. If you are someone with suicidal tendencies and/or thoughts, try to remind yourself as often as possible that, no matter how it feels, you are NOT alone. We are many. You are not a freak or broken or any other negative thing. You are merely a person with an illness contracted through no fault of your own. Reach out to friends, family, hell, even random strangers. Whatever it takes to make some small bit of human contact because, sometimes, that’s just the thing to pull you back from the brink.
Side note: My first attempt was around the age of 13. I am now 42 years old.
My heart breaks for you. You are not responsible for your husband’s death. It was your husband’s decision, and you will not be disloyal for realizing that. None of us can be expected to bear the entire burden of another person’s despair. My friend committed suicide 10 years ago. It’s normal to wonder what more we could have done, but even if there was something, you are not responsible for your husband’s deciding his own destiny. You sound like a loving person, and I’m positive you were as caring a wife as you could have been under these awful circumstances. I wholeheartedly agree with John’s advice, and I hope you follow it and find the peace you deserve.
Guilt is a terrible burden to bear for something that is not your fault. I’m very sorry for your loss, and if you need someone to talk to, our group is always there to listen and support <3
https://bandbacktogether.com/master-resource-links-2/loss-resources/suicide-prevention-resources/coping-with-loss-from-suicide-suidicided/
I am a long ago survivor of suicide, my husband in 1992 and my friend (and roommate) in 2002. Having Observed the depression separately and both of these very dear people, there truly was nothing I could’ve done to change their mindset. My husband fell into a post surgical depression, he already had a depressive disorder, and my mother’s terminal illness really threw him over the edge as well as the anti depressants that did not work. I had two small children at the time. A few years later an hurtful person said it was my fault. It wasn’t. You sit and examine everything you’ve ever done but no matter what, it is not, was not, my fault nor your fault. My friend suffered after a horrific accident and separation from her husband. I took her in for a few months. Some people do have that fragility and nothing we do is really responsible for their choices. I wish you survivors peace in your pain and hold you in understanding. I myself did not assume blame but I can see where it happens. The trauma is real and needs to be recognized and validated to heal. Survivors groups help tremendously. The numbness eases, the pain is real and needs to be held in your grieving and, for some, in your anger.
Oh sweet one, what a enormous burden to bear, just as John says, in no way whatsoever is it your fault.
When people die from suicide, or depression, the darkness became to dark for them, sometimes, lots of time, no one can give light, they are just too far down the tunnel.
As for us left behind, we will have a harder time walking though the grief. It sucks so much.
And if I may, I don’t like the term “commented” suicide, it’s not a crime , it’s for some people a way out.
My hope for you is this:
When ever the thoughts “he’s dead because of me” sneaks in to your head, I want you to say to your self “bullshit”
I don’t know what your faith tradition is, but for me, when have have things that are so big, I can not carry them, I picture myself laying it at the foot of the cross, and I have to remind myself, that I’ve given it to G-d, it belongs to Her/Him/They. And they want the burden. Psalm 55:12.
I send you so much love and peace.
I lost my husband on 3/25. He had been suffering for quite some time, attempted suicide twice, in Nov 2018 and Aug 2019, he was on meds and counseling. He left me in Nov and wouldn’t speak to me. I had no idea where he was or how he was until I had a knock on my door at 1am. I was devestated, my whole world was crushed. I am still trying to seek answers, I am reading through his things, he was in the psych ward a few times in those 4 months. A couple weeks before his death he wrote poems and thoughts. By the writing I think he was manic. Most of his writings were of me, but they were not happy thoughts. He was writing everything he did not like about me, every argument. It was so painful to read.
I also discovered he was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, bipolar disorder, and neurocognitive disease, along with other issues that I was aware of: PTSD, addiction, depression. But I still cannot help but to believe I was the reason. I should have seen the signs and tried to help him.
I’m in therapy, which helps a lit, but it pains me to no end to think he hated me so much, for things that could have been resolved. And I cannot tell him I’m sorry and how much I love him.
L.W., I know that this cannot possibly be helped by anything I say. But still, I wanted to say it’s not your fault. At all.
I lost a partner who had a degenerative brain injury. As her injury progressed, she lost her ability to reason, to filter her thoughts. She used every deep, dark secret she had about me in her rages. And it hurt. I know it wasn’t supposed to hurt, but it hurt. You can never banish the venom that comes from the mouth of someone you love, no matter how much you tell yourself that they didn’t know what they were doing.
It doesn’t matter what he said. It could not be fixed. He could not be fixed.
I attempted suicide myself about a month ago. I’m still here because I asked for help. I had friends who loved me dearly. I had a great church, people who visited me in the hospital as I recovered. I had a therapist ready and willing just a phone call away.
But I’m still here because I called 911 myself. No other reason.
You have to want to live, L.W. You have to want to get help. Your husband couldn’t be helped. And it is not your fault. I can say with experience that as the searing initial cut of grief heals, that “guilt” you aren’t supposed to have in the first place eases too.
All the best to you.
Matt. Thank you.
My husband called 911 on himself on the 2nd attempt. He was in the psych ward a few times, I always stayed with him, I was always true to him. I was never going to leave his side, he was the love of my life, my rare bird, my twin flame. I never gave up on him, us…..
Oh, dear, I am so, so sorry that you have been going through this. Just by what you’ve written here, as a person with bipolar disorder with extreme mania at times, I would have to say you’re probably exactly right. Mania takes away your ability to reason and, often, your ability to see the “bright side” of things. There just is no bright side anymore. It ceases to exist in a manic mind. Compound that with a mixed episode (manic depression) and toss in some PTSD (and, in my case, OCD and ADHD), and all reasoning abilities cease to exist. A person in an episode like that can’t be talked down or out of it (speaking from personal experience) and the best thing for them would be a psych ward, therapy, and medications to get the impulses under control. Many mental illnesses are actual physical illnesses in the brain chemistry and not something that can be talked or counselled away. It would be like trying to talk a body out of having cancer or diabetes. You just can’t.
I am so very sorry that he left these writings for you to find. I have done the same and almost destroyed relationships because all of this vile poison just flows out when in the grips of a manic episode. Everything is exacerbated, made much bigger than it actually is. Every argument is picked apart, every word said is judged in the harshest of ways.
You did nothing wrong. There was nothing you could have done as, I’m assuming, you are not a mental health professional. Bipolar disorder is not a thing that is caused. You had nothing to do with it. PTSD, same. Addiction? Same. Much of what you listed there very likely existed in him long before you knew him. Please, stay in therapy and try to remind yourself as often as possible that you are not responsible. He didn’t hate you. He hated himself and the mental illnesses transferred that hate to the person nearest him. He needed someone to blame, somewhere to point the finger, for his own thoughts and feelings, and you were just unlucky enough to be that target. You are not responsible and you are not to blame.
I’m not religious by any means, but I will certainly keep the idea of you (as a nameless, faceless stranger on the internet) in my thoughts. May you find peace.
EmBee, thank you.
He was in the psych ward, they released him and it happened 2 days later..
I really appreciate what you said about the mental illness transferring his hate onto me, it makes sense. My hope for myself is that I can learn to live again knowing this will probably always be on my mind and hopefully one day it’ll be Chris on my mind and not the suicide.
L.W., I will hold that hope for you in my own heart <3
I also lost my husband to suicide in May of this year. We were going through a tough time in our marriage due to his infidelity and drug use. I moved out with our then 7 month old daughter and was trying to rebuild my life after 10 years of marriage. He was my only love and I felt betrayed and hurt. I pushed him away when I knew he had suicidal thoughts as he had attempted before, I never kept our daughter away from him I wanted him to spend more time with her because I thought it might help him, give him a purpose you know, to keep fighting. I remember the last time I saw him I told him not to do anything “stupid ” and those last words haunt my every day and night. I just think if only I had given him another chance like he asked me to or gone to couples counseling like he asked, maybe I could have stopped him from his final act. I feel so responsible for all the hurt this has caused the family and the reason why our daughter no longer has her dad. He sought out help through the mental health system but I don’t think he got the right help just pills that he took on and off. I don’t blame anyone but I wish I had done more to help him, I would do anything to go back in time but I know it’s not possible. I just hope to be a good mum to our daughter but I struggle everyday. I feel like people think I don’t have the right to grieve because we were separated but it doesn’t change how I feel we spent the last 15 years together and I just miss him so much. So I guess I want to say thank you for your post, it made me feel less alone, isolated in my grief knowing people have gone through something similar. I do want to get support but I just don’t know where to start, I’ve looked in my local area but there isn’t a lot around and Tbh I don’t know if I’m ready to share at this point.
You are not alone. Feel free to reach out to me at willowgirl77@gmail.com and I will gladly do some research and see if we can find you some help, whether it’s therapy or support groups. Right now, most therapists are conducting teletherapy, so it may actually be easier for you to find someone than it would be otherwise. With teletherapy, they don’t need to be nearby or in your town. I am about to start therapy with someone over an hour from me (because I live in a mental health wasteland, no therapists within an hour of me) only because I’m able to do it via video chat rather than in person. There IS help and support out there and I hope you never stop trying to find it.
I promise you that you are not at fault. Giving him “another chance” was not likely to have prevented this. If he didn’t reach out just before the act, giving someone that one “last chance” to save him, he really meant it and no one was going to stop him, not even you or his love for his child. You are never, ever responsible for the actions of another and by thinking you are, you are essentially gaslighting yourself. Don’t do that, love. The mental illnesses and actions as a result of those illnesses is never your responsibility. You absolutely have a right to grieve. Separating from a person doesn’t just flip the love off like a light switch.
Whether you reach out or not, just know that you’ll be in my thoughts, as much as that’s worth from a random internet stranger. And never forget that you are not alone and that you are loved.
My husband committed suicide on May 23rd this year and I felt and sometimes still feel exactly the same way as this woman does. I blame myself for not being more patient, more kind or just being there for him when he needed me most. He has been a life long alcoholic and had recently had surgery which kept him out of work for 8+ months. His drinking got worse during that time, it affected us both financially and emotionally. I kicked him out of the house and had every intention of ending our marriage. He went to rehab and when he came home expected everything to be fine, which was not the case. I was so mad at him for all the damage he had done over the last 16 years, I just could not forgive him or give him anymore chances. I did start to see someone and that drove him over the edge or at least I feel like it did. I do understand how she could feel it was her fault, I feel that every single day. I do see a therapist and am trying to make sense of the whole situation. I also have “friends” that think it’s my fault as well. I just want the pain to stop, but it never will. I hate him for doing this to me and our family and our daughter and then at the same time I love and miss him every single day. Thank for the article, it is helpful to know others are going through the same things
Oh, that’s such a deep, recent wound, Kim. I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this–we all are. It’s not your fault, of course: your husband–whether he meant to or not, whether he could stop himself or not–trashed your life by trashing his own.
Again, though: that’s not your fault. You were REACTING, not instigating. You were responding, not causing.
You were just doing the best you could to handle a situation no human being is capable of “handling.” When bombs are being dropped on your house, there’s no sound way to cope. ALL you can do is scream and panic and hide and cry and pray that it stops.
Your husband bombed the fuck out of your life–and then left you behind to clean it up. And you are; and you will. But that’s all on him. Every single solitary, sorry bit of that is on him.
My husband shot himself July 25th, survived 4 days in the hospital, 2 of which we thought he would make it. He died July 29th. We were separated at the time due to his 3rd relapse. I was standing my ground and not asking him to come home because I wanted him to get help for his depression. I thought he was finally getting help, we talked every week and he came home and stayed some. I then found out he wasn’t getting help, so I got angry at him. Then I found out he was telling people I was the one with the problem and not good for his sobriety….He wouldn’t admit he had a problem, or go get help. When we separated the 1st of May, my oldest son was working with him and they were getting really close, he was about to start calling my husband dad. Then my husband relapsed, got my son fired and said some really hurtful things about me while he was drunk. When he was sober and healthy, he was a wonderful man and step-father, would give you the shirt off of his back. I loved him so much. Well on July 9th my sons girlfriend/fiancé of 3 years took her life. My husband was drunk sending messages during her memorial and I was ugly to him and send him a hate message back saying he was the most selfish person I have ever met, he destroyed our family and chose alcohol over us, broke my sons heart, he lost his job, his step dad and now his fiancé. I think my husband did what he did on the 25th because of me and my words and the guilt and shame I made him feel. I knew he was spiraling and I couldn’t help him, or save him. I should of responded more in love, tried more to help him, been nicer, maybe had him committed so he would get help. I never thought he would do this. My heart is broken, that is an understatement. It is my fault and I don’t know how to live with it.
My husband is still with me, though tried several times not to be 25 years ago, 24 years ago, and 21years ago, just before the birth of our first child. I blamed myself for not seeing his pain and suffering, though I was working silly hours to keep us in our home and trying to support him through various mental health crises. His last attempt hospitalised him for 4 months. They were the hardest months, as I discovered that his parents, brother, sister, their church friends and my former church friends all held me responsible for his mental distress and the suicide attempts. They all said I was selfish for leading a life away from home and not being there 24/7. Eventually I had a breakdown. I lost my job and we kept the house because I broke down in front of the bank manager and told her my story. She was the kindest anyone had been to me, even my own family, who were trying to support me by being upbeat or blaming him. Eventually he was diagnosed a bipolar, just in time to at least have a reason to give to the creditors who were waiting because of his manic inspired debts – again, this was my fault. Everyone agreed on that. It has taken a long, long time to stop blaming myself for every obstacle he struggles with, and to not beat myself up every time he says he’s anxious or depressed or high. I have discovered, through counselling for being bullied at work, that I can use the feelings, which are still as clear as if it were yesterday, and talk to myself as I would have liked to have been spoken to then. Gently and lovingly. I have discovered that love isn’t easy, in fact it’s the hardest thing there is; and sometimes no amount of love can stop someone in a dark place from stepping into a void where you can’t reach them. I don’t know any of you, but I feel your hearts, and I pray that you will find mine and let it hold you.
I lost my husband 7 months ago and the pain is unbearable we had a fight the night before due to his drinking and not working and I feel it’s all my fault if only I hadn’t got angry at him. He is my soul mate my beast friend and now his gone. I have been blamed very harshly from his family and I feel like I’m slowly getting closer to joining my husband. I have started cutting his name into my arms because I feel I deserve to feel pain. I’m lost and alone I just want my husband back with me
Sarah: If you’d like to email me privately, please do. john@johnshore.com
Sarah I’m so sorry you are in such unbearable pain. I hear you on the wanting to hurt yourself because you feel you deserve it… I’ve been there myself. But it’s a lie. The guilt you are unfairly feeling is agony, more agony than enough.
I hate that his family have blamed you, it strikes me they are lashing out because senseless death is so hard to handle that we all want someone to blame. But it isn’t you. No matter what the fight, no matter what you said or did, unless you literally murdered him, then the fault is not yours.
I wish there was something I could say that would help you, but for now just know that Sarah I care about your pain, I hope you’ll stay around & I pray for comfort for you, and a brighter tomorrow.
Sarah, I understand the self-harm… as an OCD-survivor, whose main presentation is self-mutilation, I have “tattooed” myself with an array of nasty wounds. It gave me something else to feel – a new pain that *I* chose and was in control of. It gave me physical evidence of the pain inside of me that nobody saw (because I tried so hard to hide it from them). I started when I was 8 years old and it’s been a struggle off and on for the 32 years since. It’s taken the form of literal cutting, smoking, alcoholism, picking, plucking, and scratching.
But it’s been easier for me since I realized why I was doing it. I found other ways to satiate my need to be in control when I felt my life was out of control. I found healthier outlets to be compulsive about and other ways to “be a freak, in this stupid, broken life”. For instance, I doodled the walls of the entire stairwell in my home with paint pens every time I felt sad. I started exercising and found pleasure in the breathless pain of a hard work-out. I organize my home or clean it (sometimes literally scrubbing surfaces with q-tips and toothbrushes, to be meticulous!) I pull weeds. I quilt, and find solace in making something new, comforting, and beautiful by piecing things together that have been cut up to scraps. I feel that.
I say all of this to encourage you. There are so many other ways to work through grief and slowly regain control over your life.
But your husband’s death is not your fault. You were not in control of that – only he was. Your anger at the situation he put you in WAS correctly placed. You were RIGHT to fight against those demons FOR HIM – even as he aligned himself with alcohol and you ended up then fighting against him. It’s tragic – but it is no more your fault than if you’d have asked him to pick up groceries and he got in a car accident on the way home. The blame others are putting on you is completely misplaced because they’re unwilling to face the truth that their loved one chose to leave them. You joining him in death will certainly not avenge his death or ease their pain – it will only add to it and cause the pain to continue to grow after you’re gone. You know, from going through it yourself, that suicide does not end the suffering. The pain only multiplies as it transfers on to all those left behind.
When you are ready, there are wonderful counselors out there who will help guide your healing. And whenever you need, there are AMAZING people who are just a phone call away on help lines.
1(800) 273-8255
I don’t believe you really want to die. You want help and healing, which is why you came here. You want to know that you’re not alone and that you matter. You matter, dear sister, so much. And when you emerge from this, you may end up being the light someone else needs in their darkness. You may matter to people you haven’t even met yet. Stay to help them. Stay to honor your husband’s life, instead of succumbing to his death. Stay to show yourself how strong you are. Stay.
All of nature is showing you that you can…
I know right now it looks like these dark clouds go on forever. But they will eventually part. The sun always comes back. Winter may feel endless, but spring always comes. The tide leaves the shore bare, but her waters will soon return. Volcanoes and forest fires produce richness in the soil. And a seed has to be broken open in order to grow.
You will too.
I am someone who deals with suicidal ideation every day.
Suicide has a great deal to do with the outside world around me, as I feel totally and utterly disconnected from it. It’s like perpetually looking into a candy store, seeing all the happy others, and not being able or allowed or capable of joining in. It’s an abyss, a maelstrom which sucks you down into this deep blackness, the depths of which feel like are so far removed from “normality” that I don’t even have energy to try and be motivated to leave. I feel lost, without even a connection to God.
I’m in group and individual therapy, but I can’t do meds because I have to work. Therapy is nice, but it’s not a long-term solution. At best it’s a stop-gap to keep me from spilling over into active planning again.
Again, I’m not psychic; I can only talk about me and my experiences. This lady, however, was nowhere near being at fault for her husband’s actions. He made a choice, for reasons which made sense to him. It’s not what most people would describe as a rational process or a logical decision tree. Viewed abstractly in a moment of “clarity”, even I would acknowledge the absurdity of my rationale. In the depths of a depressive episode, though, it doesn’t matter; all one is trying to do its make it all stop.
I deeply appreciate this perspective. Thank you, Josh.
There it is; make it stop. Thank you for that observation Josh. In addition, I have run into situations where people honestly believed their absence would make life better for those left behind.
I too have been there, as have many Specials in my life. I applaud all and wish those whose path was unnavigable safe passage because – God knows.
Anyone who wants to go?
Please stay.
Please stay ❤️
There it is; make it stop. Thank you for that observation Josh. In addition, I have run into situations where people honestly believed their absence would make life better for those left behind.
I too have been there, as have many Specials in my life. I applaud all who ultimately remained and wish those whose path was unnavigable safe passage because – God knows.
Anyone who wants to go?
Please stay.
Please stay ❤️
Dear John, dear commentors, I really hope that no one takes this as an attack or criticism. It is not intended to be. I just want to provide a counterpoint aimed specifically at anyone reading this who is currently struggling with suicidal thoughts, whether contributed to by the suicide of a loved one or otherwise. First I want to say I agree with the article. It is correct and compassionate and 100% the right answer to the letter and situation to which it responded. The suicide of this precious woman’s husband WAS NOT HER FAULT. And if someone close to you has done the same, it is not your fault.
However, there were a couple of lines in there that made my heart sink and that I felt I have to respond to here, for the sake of anyone who’s on the other side of this awful situation. The lines that bothered me were:
“The only adults who ever commit suicide are those infected with the very specific condition of being suicidal. Your husband had that unrelenting sickness within him. It’s not your fault that you don’t possess the cure for it. No one does.
You could no sooner have stopped your husband from doing what his illness ultimately drove him to do than you can stop the sun from setting. No matter how kind and loving you had been to him on that terrible day, he would have done what he did — on that day, or on a day soon after.”
These words are terrifying to a person who is currently troubled with suicidal urges. They suggest that the condition of being suicidal is permanent, that if you feel you want to commit suicide, that means you have an “infection”, that it’s an “unrelenting sickness” without a cure, and that you are fated to feel that way until you actually do it. That you can’t escape it any more than you can outrun the sunset. This is not true.
Of course, the article goes straight on to qualify these words, with the completely correct advice to get therapy and antidepressants, but someone who is currently in that dark place will only see the lines that terrified me. And the impression that they give is not true. In fact, nine out of ten people who survive a suicide attempt do not go on to die by suicide at a later date. (Source: https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/means-matter/means-matter/survival/). And the duration of a suicidal crisis is often only minutes to hours long. (Source: https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/means-matter/means-matter/duration/). Thank you so much for both these sources to #soldier Eriskegal, wherever you are.
If a grieving wife were writing in to say she believed it was her fault that her husband had died in a traffic accident, because if she had made him be a minute earlier or later that morning it wouldn’t have happened, would you say it wasn’t her fault because he would inevitably have died in a traffic accident later that day or soon after? No. Does that mean it actually was her fault? Of course not!
A death by suicide is the confluence of many things. Underlying depression. A trigger. Means and opportunity. A moment of crisis. But if you just hold on for a little while, that moment can pass. We can say both things at the same time. IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. But IT IS NOT INEVITABLE. Both can be true. Both are true. Depression lies. #fuckdepression. So much love to everyone who has lost someone. And so much love to everyone who is fighting for themselves right now. Just hold on. That worst moment will pass. (And get yourself to therapy and on antidepressants. They work.) God bless you.
Thank you for this extremely important insight, Lesley. Sorry it took me so long to put it into the kind of shape you meant it to be. (The links were just not copied correctly; and the only thing wrong with your use of the symbol-thing is that, when you want the italics to end, you have to insert this symbol: . Once I put the everywhere you wanted it, everything was good. And of course I was happy to do that little bit of work, because what you’re saying here is so important. Thanks again for writing it. Excellent.
Thank you so much for taking the time to correct my formatting, it’s exactly as I originally tried to write it. And thank you even more for your kind words.
Lesly, I also wish to thank you for your words. I feel exactly the way you do and tripped up on the same words. I am someone who lives with chronic Depression and have been suicidal. What has been helping me, I found an article that helped me realize that waiting before acting (on suicidal thought) could save my life. I also am now being well treated for the depression. I reach out when I need to and I am tending to my spiritual needs. All these things have given me extra time. It is possible to have a suicidal thought and NOT act on it.
Earlier this year I found myself in a very uinfair situation. As a result, my life as I knew it evaporated in front of my eyes and I had no control. I became desperately depressed and suicidal. I was able to get into therapy with an excellent therapist and am slowly finding my way back.
The scary thing about suicide is the more a person thinks about it, the more of a real and appropriate solution it appears. In a rational world, suicide is a permament solution to a temporary problem. In the irrational world of a deeply depressed person, suicide is not only the best solution, but the only one.
There is absolutely nothing this wife could have done. NOTHING.
I cannot imagine her loss. Her heartbreak.
Your response to her is beautiful. I pray she finds peace.
Yes, just as you so beautifully put it, Darla. Thank you.
As a survivor of suicide loss, I thank you for providing a compassionate response to this person. Your suggestion that she get help is really helpful, as suicide loss survivors are four times more likely than the general population to die by suicide themselves. I would also like to suggest an additional resource, suicide loss survivor support groups. Hearing other people’s stories and being able to share my grief, pain, and yes guilt openly has helped me tremendously. You can Google “suicide loss support group” or go to the American Federation for Suicide Prevention website to find groups near you or online. https://afsp.org/find-support/ive-lost-someone/
Yes, Andrea. Beautiful. Thank you so much for this information.
What a beautiful and compassionate response. I pray this precious woman sees it and it reaches her heart. I’m a trauma therapist and I can say without doubt part of her suffering is caused by a frozen trauma response. The horror of what she experienced, finding out how her husband had died. There is absolutely help for that, even though it feels hopeless and impossible.
Spiritual and psychological healing is her birthright and I pray she reaches out to claim it. Also, let us never bring a spirit of blame to any survivor or to any person who dies by suicide. The suffering there on all sides is unfathomable if you’ve never been there. It can only be met with with the type of response that was given here.
That’s really beautiful, Jackie. And so very, very helpful. Thank you.