I was having a night out with a friend of mine who is big into New-Age spirituality. She said, “All of the world’s great faiths can be accommodated beneath the New Age umbrella.” So we started thinking about that. And in due course we were imagining how some of the world’s primary religious texts might read if translated into New Age-eze. Below is our effort to translate into New Age the Lord’s Prayer. Some might think that we’re on to something with this! Others might think that it’s amazing that we didn’t have anything better to do. But I dunno.
Our genderless spirit guide
who art in everything,
honored be thy names.
Thy new age come,
thy will be manifested,
on this and on all cosmic planes.
Break with us our daily gluten-free unleavened bread,
and forgive us our bad karma,
as we forgive those
who project their bad karma onto us.
Lead us not into negative vibrations,
but deliver us from organized religion.
For ours is the harmonic unity, the empowerment, and the glory,
forever and ever.
Namaste.
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It’s the third to last line that is going to ruin it for theists of all kinds. To praise Allah, Yahweh, Almighty God, is the greatest thing we can do for ourselves, not to claim glory for ourselves.