Dear John,
I wanted to ask your opinion on being in a relationship with an alcoholic. I fell in love with a man before realizing that’s what he is. Now, because of his drinking, I am about ready to move on. He is a good man: generous, kind, creative, industrious, open, encouraging, never critical or harsh to me. Except for his prodigious alcohol consumption, he also takes good care of himself.
For my sake, he periodically tries to cut down on his drinking, but it’s never too long before he’s drunk (though never sloppily so) all day and well into the night. Although he already has one DUI, he refuses to go to AA, claiming he doesn’t have a problem. Though I’d like to deepen our relationship by moving in with him (or marrying him, which is what he wants), my gut is telling me to just break it off with him. Your thoughts?
Binding your life to this man’s life would be like chaining an anvil to your leg and leaping off a boat: down you’d go, into the drink. For the object of your affection has, alas, already found his one true love, and she comes in a bottle. And there’s nothing you or anyone but he can ever do to alter his abiding, profound and tragic relationship with the mistress he finds so irresistibly intoxicating.
Sigh. What a drag, when someone you love is caught in the clutches of addiction. It’s so painful.
But you cannot let his pain become yours. If you marry this guy, one of two things is guaranteed to happen to you. You will either start drinking right along with him, or you will become his codependent — his enabler, his facilitator, his crutch.
Either way, you drown.
And either way, by the way, he floats. Not to in any way belittle or minimize the quality of the relationship you have with this man, but it’s not exactly a surprise that he’s eager to marry you. Every alcoholic is thrilled by the prospect of marrying a nonalcoholic. Because then they know they’ll have someone to take care of them, to keep their life in order and humming along, to tend to all those pesky responsibilities, obligations and chores that one finds so impossibly taxing when one is busy curling up inside a glass.
Mothering a man who can’t be a husband is no way to spend your life. Run away!
Except don’t, really. Do not make the mistake of feeling that you’re stuck between the two choices of marrying this man and removing him from your life. Don’t forget what’s behind door No. 3: Keeping him as a friend. Just because he isn’t marriage material doesn’t mean he’s not friend material. There’s no law that says you have to marry every man whose company you enjoy keeping, is there?
Think of him as your favorite bathrobe. Great to wear? You betcha. Want to wear it all the time? Hell no.
Send your question to John@JohnShore.com—or use our Contact form. (Letters may be edited for brevity or clarity, and will be published anonymously.)
My novel, Everywhere She’s Not, is now available wherever books are sold.
“It’s not easy to tell a story that is filled with hilarious humor, the pangs of love lost, excruciatingly sad family life and deep, deep inner circumspection that ultimately uplifts your soul, but John has done just that. I highly recommend you read this book; you will thank me later.” — Jon Mayes, Advance Reading Copy.
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My novel, Everywhere She's Not, is now available wherever books are sold.
It’s not easy to tell a story that is filled with hilarious humor, the pangs of love lost, excruciatingly sad family life and deep, deep inner circumspection that ultimately uplifts your soul, but John has done just that. I highly recommend you read this book; you will thank me later. — Jon Mayes, Advance Reading Copy.
Deeply engrossing . . . a hightly satisfying reading experience . . . Shore's writing is so stylistically on target that the language itself falls away, allowing the reader to enter into the subtleties of the story completely. . . . Shore’s protagonist is authentically funny and rawly sympathetic . . . This novel stands apart for its originality. It is a testament to the notion that the strongest works are often those with simple storylines, exceptionally told. 10 out of 10. — Publisher's Weekly BookLife Prize 2019
A powerfully compelling introspective look at life. . . This is a harrowing and fascinating novel. — K.C. Finn, for Readers' Favorite
I am in tears as I type this, I have been living miserably for the past year and a few months! I live with an alcoholic although he does not accept it. He states he is just a happy person! A happy person that drinks EVERY single day! The very first drink of the day is beer and sadly the last one too. I did not know he consumed alcohol the way he does and to be honest I HATE his drinking. He is a great person with the exception of alcoholism, his mother is an alcoholic, all his family are alcoholics and I just need the balls to end this relationship and ask him to leave my home. It’s hard because I have children from a previous relationship that really get along with him but have also pin-pointed his drinking behavior. I don’t know when I will end this relationship but I know for my sanity and tranquillity I MUST.
Best wishes to you. As the child of an alcoholic, I can tell you that they are watching and learning and alcoholism is becoming normalized for them. I can tell you from my own experience that we are more comfortable with addiction and addicts – so the sooner you get this guy out of your house, the better it is for them too. I know you feel sorry for him, and he’s probably wonderful (my dad is really kind) but please consider feeling more for the kids who are watching and learning.
Very well said, Denise.
This article truly spoke to me. I’ve been battling with myself to leave my Alcoholic Boyfriend because I love him but it just takes too much from me to be with him. I don’t drink everyday as he does, so I understand what it means when I read that an alcoholic loves to be with a non-alcoholic so that they can focus on their alcohol while their partner pays attention to the rest of life such as paying bills, groceries…etc. He picks fights before his pay days so he can leave and drink all his money away and then he knows when I’m getting paid he will try and come back and be nice to me. It’s sad and I feel sorry for how long I did everything he wanted me to. I’ve been trying to help him stay sober and only succeeded in 1 week, ONE week of sobriety. I’m just so tired….
Oh have to be careful before you mark someone as sober. My ex by said the same thing but just drank behind my back.
My advice would be to leave him. It will hurt but to only gets worse.
You’re right, for all I know, he was most likely drinking behind my back. I’ve noticed in the past week how worse it has all gotten and yes, it does hurt, but I’ve tried to persuade him into sobriety that he just isn’t ready for and it’s an energy sucker.
Jessie,
Visit a website called Sober recovery.com. It has forums on there that I found helpful when I went through my breakup with my ex.
I am currently dating an alcoholic. We have spent 11 months fighting about alcohol. After multiple binge drinking episodes that caused him serious safety issues, he has decided to doesn’t want to be with me anymore after I placed some boundries.
A couple of weeks ago we cancelled a lease we got together. The day the lease was supposed to start he ended up having a terrible binge episode that left me having to place the boundaries.
My ex has had 2 DUI’s, lost his job, and admitted to blacking out and driving.
Now that he wants out of the relationship, I find myself incredibly mad that I stuck it out with him during the worst of situations.
I’ve come to the conclusion that the only reason he wants to leave is due to his love for alcohol. We have some communication problems. Those could have been fixed, the alcohol can’t be unless he wants help.
Now that we are about ready to end of the relationship, would it still be helpful for me to go to Alon meeting?
Btw I wish I had found the article about 8 months earlier. Its the one thing that helped me find clarity in all of this mess.
Thanks for all of your insights.
Hi, Kirsten. I’m so, SO sorry it’s taken me this long to respond to this very moving letter from you. I don’t see any particular reason for you to go to Al-Anon; if you’re breaking up with this man (and, frankly, you must), then … what would be the point.
But, obviously, it couldn’t do you any harm to go, that’s for sure. Generally speaking, in fact, I actually think everyone should go to Al-Anon meetings, because we all know–to a very profound degree, we all ARE–people prone to fostering co-dependent relationships with those whom we love and we know love us.
But … anyway, sorry to hear that someone you love loves the bottle more than he’s capable of loving you. That’s the worst.
I would recommend at least trying an Al-Anon meeting, regardless of if you leave him or not. Even if the alcoholic is no longer in your life, the impacts the alcohol/alcoholic behavior had on you are lasting. You may find a real sense of community and tools that will help you find serenity. Just knowing you’re not alone is very powerful. Good luck in your journey!
My ex boyfriend was ten years sober. We had been living together, had a two uear old and let me just share that it was very difficult living with him. A distant, unconnected relationship where I was constantly blamed for causing him to be unhappy. He had a hard time connecting, intimacy was an issue, he seemed to crave women’s attention, he seemed depressed, always complaining that we didn’t do anything but would initiate plans. I would cry myself to sleep many nights. He eventually lost his job and used losing his job to move out of state. He gave me a week’s notice and then he was gone, no kiss goodbye, no embrace – I received a text. I told him that if he left we would end because I can’t handle long distance relationships and he wasn’t sure when he would return. He was oblivious to my pain, said I was being over dramatic. So i’m raising my little love, moving forward, and putting it all behind me. Al I can say is, while I am sure there are alot of good hearted recovering alcoholics, I think it’s best not to start dating one. You will have a difficult and lonely life ahead.
Wow. That is a really sad story, Julie. Your ex sounds like a … well, terrible person. So sorry you had to suffer him.
There are many great comments here, but as the child of an alcoholic I’d like to add something. If marriage to you means having kids, then be very careful. My childhood was really horrible in many ways because of my father’s drinking. Active alcoholics do not make good fathers. My dad was abusive and mean. Alcoholic parents create lifelong emotional problems for their children. Lots of therapy helped me, but I see so many struggle because of their damaged childhoods. I’m 61, but there are still issues I struggle with. (Now, recovering alcoholics are a different story.)
Yes. A wonderful contribution. Thank you, Debbie.
I am a long-time girlfriend of an alcoholic, so maybe it will be helpful to share my experiences. I have also struggled with whether or not to leave him, and what I have discovered is that you won’t be able to make any big decisions until you are ready. I strongly suggest trying an Al-Anon meeting, because if you give it enough time, the program will help you learn how to prioritize what is healthy for you, whether that means breaking up or setting healthy boundaries. For me it has looked like asking my boyfriend to move out, and I can honestly say the decision was the first one I have made in a long time that brought me true peace, because it was for my own benefit, and that is how I know it was the right one.
Thanks for this, Tiffani. I really appreciate this perspective.
I find the answers to this article the most honest I have ever read. Never does anyone say leave. Alanon,yes please help yourself. Leaving never seemed to be an option given. I know it is the only way. For me.
Yeah, I agree with you: the responses to this letter have been kind of remarkable. As was yours, actually. It’s quite inspiring, and touching.
As an adult child of an alcoholic, I just want you to know that my mother who was a loving woman, was so busy taking care of my alcoholic father, that I was neglected. Then apparently she decided if you can’t fight ’em, join ’em. And I was even more neglected. I then went on to marry an alcoholic. It is a disease, and you are not a doctor. He will not change. You can not fix him. Go to an Al-anon meeting, and talk to them!
Many people would say stay away from him however you must consider twice before you give up since alcoholism is an illness rather than a fashion how would you feel if he gave up on you just because you have cancer?. Be honest dont ask for love in the future if you are not capable of giving love.
Such a truly unhelpful answer.
Yikes, Jennifer. That might be just a little harsh, don’t you think?
Jennifer, it isn’t the same. It really isn’t. Most people who have cancer want to get better. Not all alcoholics want to get better. And being a co-dependent makes it worse.
Nailed it. Good job, Jackie. And thank you for your outstanding comment above. It’s perfect.
I’m a recovering alcoholic- acceptance of my disease was the hardest battle, but in the end it was my choice! My choice to get better and stop the insanity. I made a conscious choice to quit picking up the first drink and get help.
Now I’m battling cancer. How dare you compare the two, as you have no idea. Cancer is not a choice you have control over. Treatment either works for remission or it doesn’t and you either live or die, but life is never the same. Alcoholism, yes a disease- but one you make a choice not to drink and get emotional support and change your way of thinking- you are cured- as long as you don’t drink again.
Understand this- alcoholics are the most selfish people in the world when they are actively drinking. That’s the disease part. They are lacking the internal switch to stop once they take that first drink. No amount of love from others is going to help them unless they consciously make that decision to stop them selves. Then and only then will the support of others be of use. But be aware- they need to do the hard work themselves first.
It may be the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do for love, but the faster he gets to his bottom, the sooner recovery can begin. You might not get to spend the rest of your life with him, but he’ll more likely survive the addiction. Experience talking.
Yeah, that’s … true. So painfully true.
Listen to John Shore. Addiction killed everyone in my family. My mother never gave up on my father and brother and her cigarettes finally got her. I admire her greatly, but disagree with her decision. She should have left my father when I was in grade school. Now, I’m the only one left standing. It is great to be a caregiver but that is not love. Everyone deserves love. And you are condemning your future family to the risk of alcoholism themselves, and a miserable and potentially abusive existence. They will do everything in their power to escape it and they will blame and hate you for it.
Wow. That’s … basically the whole deal, right there. Thanks, John.
run, run like the wind. save yourself.
Yeah, I mean, that could have been the whole of my response to her: “Save yourself.” That pretty much says it all.
Take it from someone who knows he drinks too much (says I while I gulp down my wine at lunch): over-drinking is just a SYMPTOM of an underlying PROBLEM. Cut down on the drinking, and the problem will simply manifest itself in other ways. Your BF needs to deal with the root cause of his drinking (in my case it’s loneliness and low self-worth, which I’m working on). If he doesn’t, things will only get worse. Much love to both you and your BF – sounds like difficult choices ahead for both of you.
If you’re an alcoholic, you’ve got a DISEASE. Your loneliness and low self esteem are symptoms of that disease. You and our friend’s BF need to deal with t he root cause of the drinking by putting the plug in the jug once and for all and leave it there, one day at a time. Something tells me you’ve heard this before. Cutting down on the drinking will likely wind up in a great big binge any second now. An alcoholic cannot control their drinking, although they are experts at fooling themselves into thinking they can. How do I know this? I am one. Sober now for 38 yrs with the help of 12 step programs. Speaking of which … girlfriend of alcoholic boyfriend might benefit from Alanon. Mark: you can work all you want on your so called root causes, but, if you’re alcoholic, you’re wasting your time. You will get blasted and you will blow it again. Try an AA meeting.
I think we have to acknowledge a place for someone who too often drinks too much–but who isn’t an alcoholic, in that sort of organic, disease-indicated way that you’re speaking of. If Mark says that he understands that he drinks in response to his feelings of loneliness and low self-esteem, I see no reason to doubt him. I know quite a few people who’ve quit or dramatically cut down on their drinking once they dealt with the underlying emotional causes which essentially triggered their drinking. All that said, though, you’re certainly right: someone who drinks too much can never go wrong first and foremost putting, as you say, a plug in the jug.
I really appreciate this kind and honest response. Thanks, Mark.
Whether or not this woman stays with the alcoholic, I recommend she get herself to an An-Anon meeting. She is not alone in loving an alcoholic or in needing support in her decisions.
Good advice, Tina. Thank you for it.