Dear John:
I was raised a Baptist and consider myself very spiritual and close to God. I always knew I was “different” but didn’t fully understand that difference until I got older. I am now 26 and came out to my mother about 10 days ago.
She cried, but overall her reaction was perfect. She said things like, “You and the person you love will never be excluded from our family,” “The road chose you,” “Your father and I love you no matter what” and so on. I felt good about things — until about a week later, when my mom told me that she had been praying about my “lifestyle” and that she just couldn’t come to terms with it, because it’s against her convictions.
She said that I would be welcome at family events, but that my girlfriend (soon to be wife) would not be. She said that allowing us to come to family affairs together would show that she is OK with our homosexual relationship. (She’s also very concerned what my grandparents “and others” will think.)
I was in shock. I still kind of am.
I don’t understand how God is so strongly “convicting” her that she doesn’t want to be a part of my life anymore. Can you help me to grasp what has happened? How did she go from one extreme to the other in one week? Thanks in advance for your opinion.
P.S. She told my dad the same day I told her, and since then he hasn’t spoken to me at all. I’ve always been a daddy’s girl and never gone this long without talking to him. Help please!!
Your mom’s initial response to your coming out was her heart’s true response. Of that you can be sure. Then she began second-guessing herself, because she’s afraid. She’s afraid of (literally) losing her religion, and she’s afraid for you. So what she desperately wants is for all of this to be a mistake, and for you to simply not be gay anymore.
Your mom is now going through the process of realizing that she has a very real choice to make: It’s either you, or her theology. She can’t keep both. Since you cannot change, and her theology can, the chances are outstanding that she will adjust her understanding of God.
She will come to know that accepting you doesn’t mean rejecting God or the Bible. And she will delight in that knowledge, because it will have opened her up to an even deeper appreciation of the magnitude of God’s love.
And then she will talk to your childish-acting father, and hopefully he too will see the light. I’ve seen this play out a million times, and this is almost always how it goes.
So hang in there. Let your parents trip. Don’t allow them to treat you shabbily or with any disrespect — and certainly do refuse to attend any family event at which your partner isn’t lovingly welcomed. And always let your parents know that you’d welcome the opportunity to sit down with them and discuss all of this.
Let them know that you’re there, that you love them, that everything’s cool—and then see what happens. If three or so months go by and they’re still freezing you out, or letting you know they think you’re wrong for being gay, then it’ll be time for you to start constructing for yourself an interior life in which your parents don’t figure as heavily as they always have.
That’s a terrible adjustment to have to make. But sometimes you just have to move on, even if your parents are too stuck in their ways to come with you. Because ultimately you have to live your life, not theirs.
Send your question to John@JohnShore.com—or use our Contact form. (Letters may be edited for brevity or clarity, and will be published anonymously.)
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Well here’s a thing…
dont give up hope that they’ll change.
I did.
I’m incredibly ashamed to tell you that 10 yrs ago i didnt go to my sister’s wedding because it was to a woman, & while i welcomed her partner with open arms into my family as a *person*,
I just didnt feel i could be involved in a *celebration* of a homosexual relationship.
I knew i was hurting them, it was awful & i was in pain too as i loved her & found it distressing to do so. But i honestly believed that going & celebrating what God said was sinful, would hurt Jesus *more*, & of the two, i chose hurting my sister & her now wife, over hurting Jesus.
I honestly believed that celebrating their ‘sin’ was not being loving but encouraging them in a deception of the enemy satan which would only bring them harm.
Here’s what i discovered.
I was wrong.
Gut wrenchingly, heart breakingly, grotesquely, Wrong. But it took me 3yrs to work that out so pls dont give up on your parents if they don’t come around straight away.
My sister and her wife had the grace to forgive me but i don’t know if i’ll ever forgive myself, & i will always painfully regret missing the opportunity to celebrate their love & marriage with them. Every anniversary i feel ashamed again, & so I should.
I tell you this here because i think what was important in my eventual revelation of how wrong i’d been, is that they gave me time to grow. I was in fundamentalist mode originally, because thats who I was around when i became a Christian, thats the teaching I’d had & i hadnt yet developed enough of my own mind to question what i was taught – if the pastor said thats what the Bible said, then thats what i believed, unquestioningly.
I was brought up in a way that made it impossible for me to question perceived authority & feel safe.
Over time though, i did begin to question, i did start studying for myself & i did find out the glaring inconsistencies & scholarly poverty behind the notion of both Biblical inerrancy & literal interpretation, & well just generally half of what i’d been taught. I am closer to Jesus now than ever but i dont believe in those things anymore because they are immature & inaccurate imho.
I’m not sure if i’d have been able to grow in that way if my sister had fought with me over it. If they hadnt had the thoroughly more mature attitude of accepting *me for where i was at at the time, without trying to change me or attack my faith or beliefs in any way, if they had started arguing with me or trying to point out to me where i was wrong…. i’d have felt threatened, defensive & probably just ‘dug in’.
So i hope you’ll be able to treat your parents with respect, even when they’re not treating you with such. Tell them you love & accept them even if they dont love & accept you & your partner. – No don’t show up where & when your partner isnt welcome, but just be kind, be respectful, give them room & time to grow, & to see how wrong they are. You cant force growth you can only create an environment where it can happen. It’s crappy & no one would blame you if you told them to sod off, they’d deserve it, but they may come around if you model healthy for them.
My first step was reading Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell, i only bought it cos i love Elvis.
Really well done/said, Charlotte.