Ask John: "My dad wants to bring his porn star girlfriend to my wedding."

A young woman wrote, and asked me to respond to, the question below. My response follows the question.

Dear John,

Next month I’m getting married. I’m obviously very excited about it. I’d be a lot more excited about it, though, if my father didn’t want to bring, to the most special day of my whole life, his porn star girlfriend.

My parents got divorced five years ago, between my graduating high school and starting college. My dad started dating “Brandi” about six months ago.

When my brother D. informed me that dad’s new girlfriend is a porn star, I didn’t believe him. But it only took D. about five seconds on his laptop to prove that she definitely was. 

When I confronted my dad about her, he said that that part of Brandi’s life ended over 10 years ago. He said he loves her and that the two of them have grown so close that he really wants her to be with him at my wedding.

I couldn’t care less how long ago Brandi stopped making her disgusting “movies.” She made a ton of them; they’re are all over the Internet; and if my perv brother recognized her, other people probably will too. My fiancé’s family are all conservative Christians. What if one of them found out who she was? I think I would just die of mortification.

I love my father. But I also don’t want a porno star, former or otherwise, at my wedding or reception. What should I do?

I think you should thoughtfully consider the difference between “makes porn” and “hasn’t made porn in over 10 years.” Ten years is a long time. Do you know why Brandi quit the business, or how she feels about her time in it? If not, then you don’t know her. And if you don’t know her, how can you judge her?

Women work in the sex industry for all kinds of reasons. Some of those reasons are pitiable.

If Brandi’s life in porn was an extension of her suffering, do you really want to be the person so lacking in compassion and understanding that you’re capable only of adding to her suffering by condemning and maligning her?

Of course you don’t. So spend a little time between now and your wedding day getting to know Brandi. You might like her. You might not. But at least find out before you force your father into making the awful choice between missing his daughter’s wedding and telling the woman he loves that she’s been judged too deplorable a person to be welcomed at that wedding. 

Look: The world is full of all kinds of people. Some are good, some are bad, most are both, some make porn. The whole key is to love everyone. Life’s just too short to spend it deciding who does and doesn’t deserve your affection. Assume that everyone deserves it, and give it freely. Why not? A hug costs no more than a snub. And unlike a snub, a hug can save someone’s life.

(And don’t worry about your fiancé’s family. There’s only one way for any of them to know a porn star when they see one. And that way guarantees they’ll keep that knowledge to themselves.)

---

From "Ask John," the advice column I wrote for the Asheville Citizen-Times newspaper (part of the USA Today Network) from October 2016 through January 2020.