I know that you were right when you were admonishing me before you went to the deacon’s meeting about how no good as a wife I’ve been to you since last week when daddy died. I know it has not been easy for you to have me always so lost to myself since that happened. I know you need all my love and support as your devoted helpmeet right now just when you are getting ready to step into daddy’s shoes as Pastor of Faith Baptist Church.
Ronny don’t worry about being a great pastor. I think daddy would have rather burned FBC to the ground than give it to someone who he was not sure would continue growing it as “A Shining Light In A Darkened World.” And that someone as we’ve all known for a long while now is you.
So I know this is terrible timing for you right now still it is the moment when I am gathering up all of my courage and faith in Jesus and even in myself to tell you something that I cannot even myself believe is true. And that is well what you can see anyway which is that I am gone. All of my clothes are next to me right now packed in our old suitcase and when you are back from the meeting you will see that I have left.
I feel like a coward for leaving as you are away. But I know that no other way of my leaving could be the right way to do it for you or me. I know this because I know that you will not be able accept no matter how hard you might try that from almost the moment I knew daddy had gone to be with the Lord the Lord put in me a feeling that I was at first sure had to be the doing of Satan but the more I prayed for deliverance from the new and I thought terrible feeling that was taking me over the stronger and stronger that feeling grew until I knew it wasn’t a terrible thing that had come from Satan at all but instead a good and hopeful thing that was coming from God.
Ronny please believe that since daddy died the Holy Spirit opened up to me the truth that at exactly in between daddy’s passing and you taking over his church was my only chance I would ever get in all of my life to be something that I never even thought I could be or ever knew really that I was not. And that is free.
The Holy Spirit has shocked and stirred me by offering me freedom and having me know that I will be lost to Him and myself and you and everyone else forever if I fail to heed His call and trust Him enough to step into the freedom he has shown me that He wants and will love me to have.
I love you Ronny I do. I want you to know that. But I am afraid of you too. Which I know that a wife being afraid of the censure of her husband is the way that our faith has always taught it should be. I myself never questioned if that was right or wrong because I have never known any life but the one of mine being living in fear first of daddy and then of you.
You think you know daddy Ronny but you do not because you do not know who he was behind closed doors. I never told you or anyone else a thing about it and won’t probably ever. I will just tell you that daddy cared more for knowing that you feared him than he did that you loved him or thought he loved you. He was like that with everybody but with me he made sure I would never be able to forget it no matter how hard I wanted to.
A window has been opened for me Ronny. Outside that window is well I guess the closest word I know to it again is freedom. But yes freedom. Freedom more than anything from being afraid.
I am very afraid right now. Because I know what happens to any of our own who dare to leave FBC. We are a loving people until we feel that any one of us has betrayed who we are and what we believe in. Then God help that person because we will not. We will name them as blasphemers and heretics and lost to Satan and will hate them without mercy all of their days unless they return.
I am going to call you in three days from where I will be then which you should not even try to guess at since you will be wrong. When I call you I will ask for you to join me. Even though you are now the pastor of FBC I still hope that you will be moved to say yes and come to be with me but not to chastise me and drag me back but hold my hand and we start a free new life together.
For solace and strength before I started to write this letter right now I opened my Bible to Galatians which as you know I love so much. And before I had read any other word my eyes fell on Galatians 5:1 which I either never read before or most likely I know just forgot. But I will never forget these words again that I know. Please God let these words mean to your heart and soul and sprit the same as they do and must mean to mine:
Stand fast therefore in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage.